Unpopular as innocence (thankfully)

I still shiver when I consider sex before my driver’s test,
two years before my first kiss a girl undressed closed
behind a door I wanted to remove,
waiting, a scared little boy,
if she would have dangled herself before my nose, who knows
what I would have followed

crowded with the crowd into locked rooms,
as if taped up doors ever stopped them.
afraid to be forced do anything (or anyone)
to be in control I must be out of popular circles and 7-minute heavens,
being unconventional at high school academic conventions
when they called my name,
I wrote, I wrote, I wrote.

An unlit firecracker decomposing in an underwear drawer

fire spells relief
shimmering in the night sky–
if I’d just eat or kiss or maybe even belong
I
‘d be happy.
running from entertainment every Friday,
opportunities to bless, to leave Jesus behind
treading where I’ve tread before,
yes, circular””but not waiting for you to depress
I
t r a n s v e r s e a translucent chord:
the roommate invites to talk with the room-less in smoky bars,
the friend invites to watch the movie about camaraderie,
alone, hugging myself with artistry
desperate to produce
a great life
I
write.

Happiness. . .I think not

When you wish,
make a list,
and finally open it
(happiness). . .I think not.
I love you, yes, but cannot lie:
I waste time lying in your arms.
Does guilt consume when I kiss you?
I feel alive only when second-guessing?