What I deserve

Do I deserve a gift, a party
for I wasn’t pushing on that day
two decades past.
Who am I to be given to?
Caring too much to dust my feet
as I slowly return to the holy city,
away from unknowns, temptations.
Just bought a hair claw to charm me when stressed?
Everyone’s unreliable, even me, (cynically, I add)
meaningless under the sun, life?
Utilitarian–not quite me,
My grace? No, it was given me free.