Don’t care about Happiness

Candy rots my teeth: succulent girls, games on-screen, scenes from my past–wasting in apathy.
Order me a window seat among the clouds awaiting storms and falling debris, drowning for
I don’t care about happiness–insecure when smiling, laughing–
artificial as a sad clown performing.
Rock climbing, dancing, playing with food,
Fun exists to relate to those craving the new.
Living in the present, never the moment, hope I never will
Forget my holy harbor, never charting ahead without rudder or sail:
terminal dead reckoning I am a present for others to unwrap.
Trash my paper into waste cans: all my masks!
Happy when depressed–at peace, resolute.
High–not on THC or manipulating music–
on forced relationship I adore,
Indebted to sacrifice to the one called Jesus.
Wanting to die for His cause, but to live for it?
If wrong, is me worth living? Betting my soul on my God
Self-taught that nothing selfish has worth.
My time is not mine; never was or will be.

The Face Behind the Font

I hear your words,
I hear you speak as I read them.
I can’t see your face,
But I know you are there.
We talk in endless conversation,
Like two old friends, which by now we have become.
You tell me of people unknown, and
I the same tell you.
on and on in the dark we chat,
Not with our mouths, but with our hands.
the only audible noise is that of a finger on a key.
Not a face to be seen,
But a box on which your words appear.
I can see and hear you say them in my mind,
Knowing a few short days ago we talked face to face.
I heard your words and you heard mine,
I could see your smile and acknowledgement,
And i know in a few short days,
I’ll be able to see the face behind the font again.

Can I love on my own?

I’m pretty sure with my humanistic means I can undo my hate,
Unwrap my angry passion slow enough not to spring,
But I’m wondering if I can love on my own.
Why should I love, if I am not your son?
Do you think that I owe you anything stranger?
Well, I don’t.
I owe a debt to my Savior and live in my death
For a cause that is greater than my passiveness.

Totally Sure

I will never be totally sure of your love
But I don’t want you to ever leave
It would crush my existence
Under the weight of nothingness
So much heavier than the planet under me.
A burden of finding meaning
And loving the void
Which can never be done
Without destruction.

New Fragile Friend

I’ve spent years adding clay to my fists.
Adding might to my mind,
Some inherited, some absorbed,
Growing month to month
I’m trying to miss the feeble girl crouched in the corner
Now you enter my gladiator’s circle
You curl into a ball
I try not to hit you.
It’s so hard as the statues crumble
Around us.

Long Distance Friend

Every few months, I miss you the day after.
I miss your thoughts, face, your indelible laughter.
An email now and then, then we forget, lose touch?
I crave you here beside me so much.
You are my confidence the world will improve
And will excel in whatever you choose. Lives you will move
Because you know who holds the world in the palm of His hand.
I say, “See you soon,” and hug not shake hands.
We are forced to live over distances wide.
I wish I never had to leave your side:
You are friend, one hard to find.
One’s future is destined surrounded by such minds.
Your are so much like me, so alike, almost akin.
I love you, my friend.

Love that is a reflex

As a young boy, curled against my mother’s chest,
talking, walking with loved ones,
unforgettable shared experiences.
“Never be ruled by memories!” I scream
but crave reliving moments, now, miles and years apart.
Lonely, because at that moment I wasn’t alone,
where people matter in person,
passion, courtesy, spontaneity;
Where love is a reflex.

I am Worthy

Running toward knives and prisons
Irrational as one can pray, “I am worthy of pain!”
Screaming as the baton stencils my skin with leaky red marker.
Visiting the fingerless woman gripping the joy of suffering
because she is the outstretched hand of Your Body.
It’s not about you, never was.
For someone I have seen only reflections of
Is more real than anyone else alive.

Should I have chased?

Should I have chased when I saw you run?
It was more of walk at the time when I spun
To see you gone; thought you wouldn’t go far off,
Within arm’s reach, but you didn’t stop.
Did I care? Was I naive?
Thought it wasn’t my business, you see;
Thought your life would have gone
Just the same as with me. Was I wrong?

Like a Parent

I still love you even though I can’t see you,
Everyday in mind you are there,
And I’m afraid for you. Scared.
I am afraid you will be
Body slammed by others,
Held back from what you want to be
And what you feel led to do.

Your passion melts my trust
I want to trust you, let you fly free.
I want to hear of your escapades
and dilemmas like the retreating of waves
on the shore, like an empty nest parent.
I feel like a parent.