Don’t care about Happiness

Candy rots my teeth: succulent girls, games on-screen, scenes from my past–wasting in apathy.
Order me a window seat among the clouds awaiting storms and falling debris, drowning for
I don’t care about happiness–insecure when smiling, laughing–
artificial as a sad clown performing.
Rock climbing, dancing, playing with food,
Fun exists to relate to those craving the new.
Living in the present, never the moment, hope I never will
Forget my holy harbor, never charting ahead without rudder or sail:
terminal dead reckoning I am a present for others to unwrap.
Trash my paper into waste cans: all my masks!
Happy when depressed–at peace, resolute.
High–not on THC or manipulating music–
on forced relationship I adore,
Indebted to sacrifice to the one called Jesus.
Wanting to die for His cause, but to live for it?
If wrong, is me worth living? Betting my soul on my God
Self-taught that nothing selfish has worth.
My time is not mine; never was or will be.